


Law School Never Ends

by Wtchcool



Category: Eli Stone - Fandom, How I Met Your Mother, The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hallucinations, Humor, Parody, Song fic, except it's really Eli having a hallucination that Barney is there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 13:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11487438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wtchcool/pseuds/Wtchcool
Summary: Eli sensed another hallucination starting. Sure enough, he spotted one of his fellow alumni, whom he hadn’t seen in years and who he knew for a fact was out in New York, gearing up to begin a number. What the hell was his name again?





	Law School Never Ends

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All three shows at play here are off the air, and I don’t have the rights to a single one of them, nor to Bowling for Soup’s original song.

            “I picked up the mail,” Jordan Wethersby announced, entering his younger partner’s office and dropping Eli Stone’s share on his desk. “Looks like you’ve got an invitation to your law school’s reunion.”

 

            “Looks like,” Eli confirmed, as he read over the invite. “But it’s going to be all the way on the East coast. Not sure it’s worth the trip.”

            “Don’t be ridiculous, you should go, catch up with your old friends. Didn’t you go to school with Will Gardner? I hear he’s just won a major victory in…”

 

            _Oh, not again._ Eli sensed another hallucination starting. Sure enough, he spotted one of his fellow alumni, whom he hadn’t seen in years and who he knew for a fact was out in New York, gearing up to begin a number. _What the hell was his name again?_ _Was it Barney something?_

 

            A spotlight descended on the figure as he began to sing.

 

_“Three years, you think for sure_

_That’s all you have to endure._

_All the memos to write,_

_All the cases to cite._

_Every legal harm must have a cure._

_Then when you graduate,_

_You take a look around and you say, "Hey, wait!"_  
This is the same as where I just came from  
I thought it was over, oh, that's just great

_  
_ _The whole damned world is just as obsessed_

_With who’s got the best analysis  
Who’s good at hypos, who makes the typos_

_Who’s able to handle all of the stress._

_And you still hate the Bluebook,_

_And you don’t know the right questions._

_Nothing changes but the cases, the rules and the trends,_

_Law school never ends._

_Check out the law review._

_You’ll never guess what the Court ruled._

_The White House gives us “alternative facts.”_

_Pretty sure George Orwell predicted that._

_And you’ve lost all perspective_

_On what it means to be objective._

_Still celebrate your wins with a big high-5,_

_Doesn’t matter if you’re twenty or thirty-five._

_Justice Kennedy, he’s for Con law._

_Judge Stein for C.P.L.R._

_Sessions crim pro;_

_García for contracts_

_I’ve seen this all before, I want my money back!_

_The whole damned world is just as obsessed_

_With who’s got the best analysis,_

_Who passed the bar and who’s been disbarred;_

_Who knows how to apply the right test._

_And you still hate the Bluebook,_

_And you don’t know the right questions._

_And you’re still sick of the Socratic method._

_Law school never ends._

_Law school never ends._

 

_The whole damned world is just as obsessed_

_With who’s got the best analysis,_

_Who’s good at hypos, who makes the typos_

_Who’s able to handle all of the stress._

 

_And I still hate the Bluebook._

_And I still ask the same questions._

_And I reason pretty much like I did back then_

_Law school never ends._

_Law school never ends._

_Law school never ends._

_Here we go again.”_

 

            “Are you even listening to me?” Jordan asked, once the hallucination had faded.

            “Hm, sorry, Jordan, you know how it is,” Eli apologized.

            “What did you see this time?” the elder attorney asked.

            “That apparently I need to book my airline tickets and RSVP to this thing.”

            “Good, you’ll be glad you went!”

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> I lost the handwritten notes I originally made for this parody. On the extremely slim chance they turn up, maybe I’ll go back and tweak the lyrics.
> 
> I dedicate this fic to George Michael and my evidence professor, may they be at peace. 
> 
> If you’re curious, Con law stands for Constitutional Law, so it seemed appropriate to refer to one of the Supreme Court justices; CPLR is Civil Practice Laws and Rules, i.e. the civil procedure statutes in N.Y., so there’s a reference to a judge on the NY Court of Appeals there; the current Attorney General, a/k/a the one bossing around all the U.S. Attorneys is in there for criminal procedure. Contracts was tricky. I went with a reference to the head of the National Education Association (a union), Lily García. 
> 
> If you liked this parody, let me know. If you didn’t like this parody, let me know if you can do so in a constructive fashion. Flames are used as fuel for jokes and potential plot bunnies.


End file.
